When Eternity and Instant meet

Me paro un segundo. Me he dado cuenta de algo. Algo que me da escalofríos, aunque no dejo que me amargue más de un minuto. No veía, no miraba. Estaba sumida en un pozo de oscuridad del que solo quería escapar. Me había perdido entre tanto dudar, me había perdido en un mundo que creía conocer, cuando el único mundo que existe es el que descubrimos con cada paso que damos, el que exploramos hoy. Pretendemos que lo conocemos y que sabemos lo que vamos a encontrar y eso nos carcome el alma. We have settled for what we see, when in reality we wanted to discover more. We got stuck between our fear and some good memories. As if they were worthier than what we have in front of us. As if we could live out of the food we ate yesterday. Creí lo que me dijeron y asimilé los miedos de otros.
There is this underlying belief that something remains; that there is a solid truth, that there is a specific finish line, that there is a clear path… “If only I could see it, if only…” And torture begins. And whats if. And fear. And doubt. And darkness comes again. And I believe that only seeing the truth, The Light, will put an end to this. Or maybe love will. But when that happens, it’s nothing more than a brief illusion. And I keep running in circles, in the dark, losing what I learnt, forgetting what I had… None of that is worth it if it doesn’t spur my spirit to move. What we lived, who I was and am, what I can imagine, even predict, is just an illusion. Maya maybe.
I use my voice to ask stupid questions. “In what direction should I go?” And I fool myself, like everybody else, saying that I know something, and that if I turn left I can guarantee myself it will be okay. Will I turn left? I’m so scared that I would, yes, I would turn left and live miserably if I could keep my hope. I would try to have an identity, be the same but a tad better, but that actually means taking little to no risks. Eventually, it means being a robot, running on autopilot, having to follow constraining rules.
And yet, even today, something inside of me comes alive when I abandon the idea that I know and I decide not to make a plan. Why should I go forward, stretch in only one direction when I could be smelling the flowers I already found around me?
I want to listen. I want to feed on the world that surrounds me now. It’s the beauty of it. That it constantly changes. That I do not need to move away from it. I don’t need to escape, but go deeper. Take it in. I don’t even need to identify with it and project who I am, because it soon will be different and it doesn’t make sense to become attached to it. To appreciate it as it is is all that I want to do.
This is what I keep looking for. And I keep getting lost in the answers others gave me. Their fears and their happiness is not gonna take me anywhere.
The change that happens now, that is what excites me. The freedom in which the world exists is the essence that feeds my soul.

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