Spill your blood

Have you ever felt like you are living a life that doesn’t quite suit you? That you are behaving and moving through your circumstances in ways that don’t do justice to your whole being?

I feel like that right now. I know it is probably temporary, but I can tell (because of how painfully aware I am of this state) that I need to take action. And here is where it gets interesting. I have to make a significant change, but I don’t know which one exactly. I know, though, that it is that moment in life I always said I wouldn’t mess up, the moment where many people decide to do nothing and end up hating their lives.

Maybe I have to become someone else, that feels like the end goal. I believe we are born twice: the first time as babies, helpless bodies; and the second time as grown-ups, fully functional and poorly trained souls. The second time, it’s all our responsibility, we are the ones to decide our upbringing. Which relationships will we build between ourselves, our inner world, and the universe, the outer word?

That’s what’s happening. Relationships; everything interacts. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. And I’m unhappy about what I’m building, inside and out. My day to day feels like the sea pulling me away into the lonely depths. I’m stronger, I can swim better, but I’m not getting any closer to the shore. I’m just fighting without winning and getting tired. I’m struggling. And I must change these relationships, interact differently, more authentically, «soulfully». I must take a leap of faith and jump from an edge I haven’t found yet. Will I dare to try?

Who knows. More is more.

 

a mess

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