Determination

Determination

IT’S BEEN A LOT

Welcome to the end of the world… Sorry, the end of 2020. Is it the end yet? Not really. Nevertheless, there’s already talk about the cancellation of yet another festivity here in Spain: Christmas. How many times have we cancelled plans, joys, new moments?

Why? Because our government’s only solution is stealing freedoms from the people while ruining the deplorable economy of the whole country. It does not act as if it had already been six months of the pandemic. It just reacts without anticipating solutions for all the problems that the measures cause (a list quite frightening and long term).

I don’t know what to do about this, but I do know that I’m against this model that forces people to go to work and study, and then pretends that a second wave has nothing to do with the fact that they did comply with those obligations and necessities. While it is being actively ignored that they were and are weak: emotionally, physically and socially. But I’m only in a position to complain, so I’ll consider it done at this point.

WHERE IS THIS PANDEMIC TAKING ME?

There’s something that is rooting inside me, though. At the beginning, after some long weeks of lockdown, it was a removal of some filters and a more solid conviction that I need to act and be without so many second thoughts. I learnt that I should go ahead expressing whatever it is inside me; I might never get another chance, while, if I get to live long enough, I’ll likely get another one to make amends.

Now, having to go into isolation constantly, what I feel is that conviction transforming into determination. It is the determination to build a life that is really aligned with my own beliefs and desires, and not with anybody else’s. It might be that I’m getting older too, and more confident, and one way or another I have more experience seeing people’s biases. Today, I feel like I have evidence that it is no better to trust others than to trust myself. I gain nothing from depending on anybody else when it comes to making up my own mind. I can only rely on my own judgement to listen, think and decide, and accept that I will make mistakes regardless. Making my own mistakes feels much more empowering than making somebody else’s.

There’s plenty I don’t know. I have no answers. I am, though, very sure of something: I am the sole ruler of my life. Nobody can stop me from feeling or living or changing what happens around me.

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